[Note bene: I wrote this in early November and found it today while looking through my drafts. I don't know why I never posted it. Anyway, ta da!]
After President Uchtdorf's wonderful remarks at the Relief Society Broadcast, the Parable of the Bay Leaf has become a household topic. In it, he describes his wife's ability to create wonderful and delicious meals, beautifully presented; but that she consistantly punctuates the creation with a comment such as, “I’m afraid I used a touch too much ginger,” or, “Next time, I think it would be better if I used a little more curry and one additional bay leaf.”
President Uchtdorf points out that as women, we may not appreciate the value of what we do in the world and more importantly who we are. These 'bay leaf' comments, while showing a desire to improve and create goodness and "perfection", may also clue us in to the fact that our focus is on a tiny fraction of the scene.
Enough with the generalizations.
I do this. Since my husband has pointed it out, I am amazed how frequently it occurs.
An example: I busted my butt making homemade whole-wheat bread sticks for a ward party. I juggled it between Nathanael's nap, picking up yeast when I discovered we were out, and the Halloween event that afternoon. I ran to and fro, keeping my perspective, and enjoying Nathanael all throughout the day. We finally were sitting at the party chatting and eating and I got my first bite. I said, "Oh! Next time I need to let them raise longer. It is so dense!"
Now, this was after several people had already complemented me and Nathanael was halfway through his (the ultimate complement). Michael pointed out my comment (in light of the bay leaf) and I was so surprised! I didn't even notice.
It is now becoming part of my personal culture to say things like, "Wow. I did a really great job on this!" And then I bite my tongue when I want to add my bay leaf comment.
I realize that our public culture doesn't allow for this type of comment. It doesn't expect it. And it doesn't fit into the model of self-depreciation as humility that we frequently buy into. But as I have trusted and taken the step to believe in myself--enough to verbalize it--I have felt peace.
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Isn't this hard?? Doug makes dinner at least once a week, and every time we laugh at how easy it is for him to say how awesome his creation is. Yet every other night when I make it, all I can do is wish I'd cooked it longer or wish I'd added more garlic or something.
You are a great example, Bethany. Best of luck with your new less-self-critical endeavors!
I love your thoughts!! Thanks for sharing Bethany! It really is so true how we all do it - and I like your goals of focusing on what you did well instead of that tiny piece of the grand scheme that may have been a little less-than-perfect. A good thing for all of us to work on!!
I had forgot how much I liked that talk! I think I need to read it again! I have tried really hard to avoid deflecting compliments, I either deny the praise or change the subject and I have tried really hard to stop doing that! It was really hard for me to accept praise in the beginning, I had never thought that it might be a cultural reason I felt wrong about accepting praise! Thanks for that insight!
Way to go Bethany! We all need to have less bay leaf moments in our lives. I love you and your thoughtful insights. COngrats on your new baby coming! I am so glad you let me know. Sorry that It has taken me so long to get back to you! Don't you just love Seattle...I am trying to convince Dane that we must live there,
I recently had a similar conversation with my husband about my "self-deprecating comments." I didn't realize how often I had and and how often I thought them. I'm trying to do better, but I feel very braggy and self-important when I mention that I worked hard on something. Its such a bad habit to throw it and little comment. Although I would be very hurt if someone else said that to me or to someone I love, I make comments about myself. I'm working on it, too. I will go back and read that talk for encouragement. You are a wonderful mother (and cook) and deserve all the wonderful praise.
I think this is an excellent point to make, Bethany. I think all of us LDS women have a tendency to do this, and we need to know that being confident in ourselves/appreciating what we've done is NOT being prideful.
Thank you all so much for your supportive and wonderful comments! It motivates me to write thoughtful posts when I know there are lovely ladies who will read them! :)
Everything you said is soooo true! Would you mind sharing your wheat bread stick recipe? Also, do you have a good wheat bread loaf recipe? I'm trying to go whole wheat in my bread baking and am looking for good recipes.
I JUST did this last night with my shrimp scampi! We had some guests over and I kept apologizing for things. Sevak had to butt in and remind me of Elder Uchtdorf's talk. :) Our guests, who are LDS, also knew the reference and we all laughed about how true it is. Let us all strive to have fewer bay leaf moments!
Reading your comment reminded my of things that we learned in Impact. That we got to value the work that we do and honor the greatness we have in ourselves.
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