I'm still here! It's been a while since I posted--I've been busy being a mom. :)
As for adventures, it was a rainy (drippy) Seattle day today. We had a very exciting night with Nathanael which resulted in a very lazy Saturday morning. (The pancake breakfast was finally ready around 2:00 pm!)
But I've been thinking a lot about why I feel so terrible when I stay indoors all day. I read Ben Crowder's post today on a similar topic which really got me thinking about it.
I love to get out and see people, breath fresh air, move my body. I feel alive when I interact with others. But this is only part of it. The other side is accomplishing something. Each day around dinner time I do an only partly-conscious assessment of the days activities and I feel a pang of guilt if I realize that nothing tangible was accomplished. (It somehow feels more tangible, even if it's not, if it involves others.)
This poses interesting challenges as a stay-at-home mom making a concerted effort to rest more! I get to remind myself that I am still recovering from fairly major surgery less than three months ago and that I also use tons of extra calories breastfeeding and toting around my beautiful son.
This brings me to another topic I was contemplating last night: my work as a mother consists almost entirely of activities that will continuously need to be redone. For example, feeding, washing, organizing, comforting, resting, playing. The entropy in the universe being what it is, my children, husband, and I are continuously getting hungry, dirty, disorganized, distressed, tired, and bored. This is good, as it means I both have a very important job, and one that will be needed for the foreseeable future! (Read: forever.)
However, it can be frustrating as when seen from a temporal perspective I produce no tangible results. At the end of the day, every nap I put Nathanael down for, he wakes up from and every meal he eats turns into another diaper to change. Ultimately, he is healthier and happier (and bigger!) for all my efforts, but when Michael gets home at the end of the day and I look back at my 8 hours I see only maintenance, while he can show me his code and tell me what he learned while writing it.
Obviously, the answer is in the problem: lose the temporal perspective and focus on the eternal! Nathanael is far more precious than Amazon.com, or any of their programs, or even the money Michael earns there. This sounds simple, but it amazing how much energy I glean from making sure I read the scriptures at least once a day on my own. It also helps tremendously if I clean the kitchen once, and then leave it!
The real solution, though, is to rest plenty, shower every day, drink a LOT more water than I think I need, and then leave the house. On Wednesday, I had the hankering to make some cards, so I looked up a local stamp shop and off we went. I ended up signing up for a card-making class the next day, so we did the forty-five minute (one way) excursion again. It was worth it--I had a great time. But at the end of the week I was pretty tired, and I started wondering if I had swung too far in the "pushing it" direction.
As for today (Saturday), Michael took us out to eat dinner in Pioneer Square (we got gyros at a little shop on the corner of 2nd Ave S and Main St--delicious!) Then we went to Safeway and picked up some must-have-before-Sunday items. Of course, Nathanael napped for part of the trip and cooed and laughed for the other half. He is a perfect angel! By the time we got home I felt great about the day and was ready for another round of feedings and diapers!
Well, this post is getting long, and Nathanael's finished his midnight snack and is now sleeping peacefully again, so it's time for me to do the same. (A mom has the wonderful charge of making time for the spiritual when faced continually with the demands of the temporal!)
p.s. Do any veteran mothers have wisdom for me on this topic? How did you do it?
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5 comments:
Bethany,
I had 6 children and 7 stepchildren. I also had a few periods that I had no choice but to work outside the home. I have had many outside the home successes that garnered the praise of the world, but nothing can compare with being a stay-at-home-mom. My advice:
1. Nap when your child does. Brigham Young said that every mother in the church should take a nap everyday. That way you will be fresh when your child wakes up and when your husband comes home. Mothering is 24/7 for at least two decades of your life and a nap helps you preserve your health so that you have the physical, mental and spiritual health and energy to do the job.
2. Take care of grooming as if you were going to work because you are. The dress is not too casual but appropriate for the tasks of the day. Your husband will appreciate the eye candy when he comes home and your son won’t be ashamed of you when his friends come over. This may seem silly but it will do more for your mental and physical fitness than you could ever imagine. It will also strengthen your marriage.
3. Do your household tasks immediately. Don’t leave a mess for later. It is so much easier to keep a clean house orderly than it is to clean up a dirty house. Make sure that there is a place for everything and everything is in its place. This takes way less time than you would think and much less time than the alternative. I never had to clean the bathroom or the kitchen because I used the clean it as you use it rule. Never leave a task till the morning. That way you always wake up to a clean house.
4. If you observe #3, you are ready for a trip to the library or to the park as soon as you get up. If you are spending your time discovering the world with your children, they won’t be spending their time destroying the house. When home, which is most of the time, attend your children. If your husband is a programmer, coding is the beginning of the creative process – utility makes it meaningful. Likewise, pregnancy and birthing are the beginning of the creative process for humans. There is a lot of work that goes into making a human into a useful creature. Too many stay-at-home moms are not present in their children’s lives. They don’t invest the time, energy and interest required to develop a relationship that will endure the test of time. The child will only adopt and internalize the values that are important to you if the child was important to you.
5. Keep things in perspective. I watched my brother carry his three month old son’s coffin to a grave and place it down. It was too small for him to have help. I think it was one of the saddest moments that I have ever witnessed. Be thankful that your son wakes up from naps and that what may seem mundane and repetitive is just that. Learn to find joy in the little things. It is an honor and a privilege to change a diaper or hold a child to your breast, a privilege that many will never know.
6. Be grateful that a man loved you enough to allow you this privilege. Many young women long for this privilege but can’t even get a date. Do you really miss their lot?
Janet,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments! I certainly am grateful for my husband and son and now have a renewed committment to expressing that gratitude. I especially appreciate your advice about being present in the lives of my children. I would rather have the friendship of Nathanael than anything else that invested time could bring to me. It is good to hear that my energy is well spent from someone who has been where I am going.
Regards,
Bethany
p.s. just out of curiosity, how did you find my blog?
What more could I say than has already been said? I have had similar feelings to the ones you express and I too feel guilt or whatever you want to call it when I don't feel I have accomplished anything during the day, which has been harder the further I get in this pregnancy with increased fatigue has a hinderance. When you get back to Provo, we should go on walks together. Something as simple as that always makes me feel better.
Bethany,
The only thing I can add to what has been said... (I being a list person, needing to see my accomplishments for the day) is that I added my Children to the work list!
Monday
**TAKE VITAMINS**
Weigh
Dress
Exercise
30 min FREE TIME
SHOWER
Dress to Shoes
Breakfast
Brush Hair
Teeth
Make-up
30 min FREE TIME
Dress Meka
Feed Meka
Brush Meka’s teeth
Kiri’s work list
Dishes
Scriptures
15 min sort pictures
1 hour FREE TIME
Dinner
1-hour of Zone Cleaning
3 hours Laundry
1 hour ironing
Piano lessons
6pm dinner
Family night
Bedtime routine
This is generally my daily schedule but at the end of the day I can feel I accomplished something in fact many things, and I can see where my time went. This list in part comes from a method created by the FLYLady (FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself) check out her website for help for keeping the mundane from running your life!
I think back to when Kiri was Nathan's age and I almost literally did nothing but spend time with her... I say enjoy that because it is something you can only get away with on your first child! :P
Loves,
Your cuz
Kirsten
Thank you Kirsten!
I discovered FLYlady.com last year and it served me then, but differently, as I was a newlywed student with no children. Anyway, I had forgotten about it until now.
I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again next month. It will be great to be home.
Bethany
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